“Man is defined as human
being and a woman as a female- whenever she behaves as a human being she is
said to imitate the male”- Simone de Beauvoir
Apart from working on
Gender and Sexuality with various age groups, I love being part of learning
spaces around Gender simply for two reasons: one each learning space teaches
you something new, adds a new feather to your personality and secondly the
conversations with people working on the same issue brings more life, color and
inspiration.
The activity leading to
the discussion over “Gender box” really helped me to open up, the question “if I
identify as man I would love to ……” I took out all angst and frustrations and
shared that I would really want to hit, box and slap people who misbehave if I identify
as a man. I was feeling light because being a girl I am breaking many stereotypes
but the courage to hit someone is still not there.
When the conversations
begin with a personal connect, they are more convincing and realistic which was
very evident when we started discussing about Patriarchy- talking about the
customs and traditions that are followed in various parts of the country to
actually curb sexuality of women brought out many unsaid and unknown examples for
example in Rajasthan, the widows are kept in one corner for over a year, they
are not allowed to interact or move or even eat food with rest of the family,
in certain Muslim community divorced women are secretly married off and they
are send to their in laws in night, in Bhopal for married Muslim women to pass
virginity test on their first night, the white bed sheet must have blood stain,
which is then displayed following a lavish party. If there are no stains
without a question, the girl is sent back home. Many such traditions not only
shocked me but brought a sickening feeling.
We were given free time
after workshop as there was no screening of movie so as to have more
conversations with each other, about ourselves, the work that we do and beyond.
Interestingly 2 participants had their birthdays on consecutive days so we
decided to bring cake for them and celebrate. Before that we decided to play
truth and dare – it was interesting because we invited each and every person to
share or do something only if they were comfortable with the same. The
questions were very intimidating and related to personal lives for example
about their fantasies, sexuality and others. To my surprise, the participants
shared very intimate details and I could see the trust building in the group.
The next day we were
divided into groups of two, where we were asked to share with our partner on
three questions – first experience of sexuality, how it felt and what were the
messages that you received on sexuality? I remember the incidence pretty well
though at that age I didn’t know that it is about my sexuality; I had to share
it with my partner who happened to be a boy. However I went ahead and shared my
experience and to my surprise he opened up completely- our experiences were
same but at different age group. He confessed that due to peer pressure and
wrong assumptions he made lot of mistakes and lost something that was very dear
to him. The next stage of the activity was to share the same experience in the
groups of 4. I was amazed to see that people who wanted to have partner from
same gender was comfortable to be in group with people from different gender.
My group got two more female members, both of them shared that it was during
menstruation that they came across about their sexuality and all sort of
misguiding messages were given to them.
The conversation which
started with sharing experience reached to its next level when we discussed why
we link sexuality with painful or distasteful experience, can’t the experience
of sexuality be fun, happy or which brings pleasure, on this note one of the
member shared how she was attracted to her teacher when she was in her teens
and now also she is exploring her sexuality by breaking the gender binary. To
me sexuality is more than having sex, or being attracted to its part of me, my
personality and how I express myself.
On the same day,
clinical psychologist Kishwer who is a very important and integral part of
Feminist movement joined us, she shared beautiful personal stories. One story
that particularly touched me was of a boy who was 22 years old living in Kashmir.
He used to remain unconscious most of the time, his family bought him to her,
she performed reiki on him and he just got up. To engage with him, she invited
him to draw something- he drew a man in suit at the corner of the paper. There were
many interpretations to it but she believes that it’s just love and care which
can cure anything :-)
When I went back to the
dorm, the environment was heavy- there was strange silence, a girl was sad, it
was her birthday but her partner had called her to know how to operate washing
machine rather than wishing her! She was upset and with heavy heart she shared
her personal struggles from her family to her in-laws expectations and
somewhere in between her own struggle to find happiness. Gradually another girl
who rarely used to speak began sharing her set of troubles, from professional
life to married life, which then moved to another lady who has lost her husband
and has a child- the atrocities of in-laws, pressure from her own family,
struggle to live for her child and her own happiness- does she even have time
for that? I don’t know. The sadness and tears spread more vehemently than wild
fire and in no time almost everyone had a break down.
After the dinner, “A
pinch of skin”- documentary on FGM was screened. Till now I was being strong trying
to lend my ears and support to anyone who was being vulnerable, but all of
sudden tables had turned, I was feeling helpless, weak, caged for there was a 7
years old whose clitoris was cut in name of religious practice to curb her
sexual desires!! For god sake how can someone be so cruel and blinded to harm
the innocence? The burning sensation in my heart translated into chilled water which
was flowing through my eyes. I was deeply wounded and my brain stopped thinking
because this is unimaginable, I was exhausted so without speaking to anyone I went
to bed directly.
The long night finally
ended. The session began with our reflections about the documentary and experience
of last four days and then what happened was something that none of us actually
imagined and was prepared for. All of us work on gender and sexuality in one or
the other way, but in due course we ignore our own self, we forget to address
our own struggles with the demon called patriarchy and this all gets dumped in
our hearts and leaves an impact on our soul. And then I encounter this space
which has humongous love, trust and support created by amazing people, my pain
abandons me all of a sudden, disregards my existence and flow away.
“There is sacredness
in tears. They are not the mark of weakness,
but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are the
messengers of overwhelming grief, deep contrition
And, of
unspeakable love”- Washington Irving
I had never witnessed a
space where people were being vulnerable, overwhelmed and strong enough to
support others at the very same time. This was nothing less than the miracle :-)
For me Buland Irade had
been really special in many ways- in terms of understanding, building knowledge
and figuring out correlation between sex, gender, sexuality and patriarchy,
meeting inspirational people who are doing commendable work in their respective
state, having meaningful conversations and witnessing a space which has
capacity to heal long unheard pain.
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